It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
The best plant holders?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician