Only a mother’s love …
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
no
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night