“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
You Might Also Like
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
The two types of wives
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
This will never not be funny 😭
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.