Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.