Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
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How much for the goth pool noodles?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
🤣
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello