ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.