Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Every BBC series about the universe.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Goodnight 🐶
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in