Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question