Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Called it
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
dogs can find happiness so easily
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?