Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army