Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.