BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
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I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?