It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”