“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.