Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
You Might Also Like
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
This kid will have a bright future.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.