[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
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No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
#Caturday
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.