[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness