A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I’m a bad influence on myself.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Current mood: Potato