My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
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My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”