All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
sliding into dms like
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.