I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
You Might Also Like
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?