My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
peak technology
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.