Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
paddle faster i hear baby shark
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.