Found something new to say when I leave a room.
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I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Terribly Tuesday.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.