If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.