Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.