Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]