Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Great game to play with friends
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My spirit animal is fried chicken
what my late-night hot pocket sees
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom