Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.