anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
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Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.