Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Mood.. 😂
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on