[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
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You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.