Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Twitter fine art
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.