What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.