in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man