Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”