Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
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I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Breaking news:
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle