hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
kevin is now a local weatherman
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?