Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
🤣😂
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.