What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Can Happiness buy money?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.