Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
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What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho