popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.