Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
dream blunt rotation
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
ibopfufen
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??