My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
You Might Also Like
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached