Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
mom had nothing to worry about
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Always the camel, never the toe.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.