I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
You Might Also Like
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?