“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
who did the taste test?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?