Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.