[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
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Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Twitter remains undefeated
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”