where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
🤔😂😂
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
There’s only one good girl here!
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.